Saturday, January 5, 2013
Option is waiting
My nephew, the only one of 3 that talk to me, said basically it sucked when the only option was waiting it out.
I continue to struggle with side effects from medicine. Story of my life.
Dizzy Wobbly should be my new name and it ain't no joke.
I continue to struggle with side effects from medicine. Story of my life.
Dizzy Wobbly should be my new name and it ain't no joke.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
What I don't understand.
What I don't understand could fill a book. A very good book.
I don't understand people not accepting apologies. Not just anyone, but "friends". I guess it's possible I was wrong about all of them.
I don't understand how "family" does the same thing.
I don't understand people not accepting apologies. Not just anyone, but "friends". I guess it's possible I was wrong about all of them.
I don't understand how "family" does the same thing.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Sick and Sad
Another Day.
Sick
Head hurts
Stomach hurts
Back hurts
Neck hurts
And my heart hurts
Sad
Mostly Cloudy
Where's the light in the sunshine state?
All I see are clouds
Maybe it'll be better mañana
Sick
Head hurts
Stomach hurts
Back hurts
Neck hurts
And my heart hurts
Sad
Mostly Cloudy
Where's the light in the sunshine state?
All I see are clouds
Maybe it'll be better mañana
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Time
That's right time.
It's marching on.
With or without us.
I'm rapidly running out of it. In more ways than one.
First of all, I only have a few days left to find a new place to live for me and my babies (dogs).
I can only afford a room and I can't afford first, last and security. (who can?)
I've also decided to let the car go and get a scooter. That's only a few more days from here. While a scooter gives you many options in Key West like basically parking wherever you want and cheap gas and no insurance. There are draw backs. Like grocery shopping and laundry and leaving the island.
But the idea is to save money while I continue to work. This radio station is such an infant and I know if I stick around its going to pay off big for me. The owners have been real good to me.
As far as health. Well, it hit me today that my stomach bug that made me so sick last week and continues to make me sick was not something I ate at all, it's either a new med I'm taking or I've built up a toxic level of something else I'm taking. I heaved twice today. Once at home, once at work.
Blood work tomorrow morning to see what the fuck is going on inside me.
Mood is pretty good while I'm at work and real lousy when I get home. The only good thing about coming "home" is my dogs. I love them so much.
Trying to decide if I should call a mad friend or wait for her to call me.
I always am the one who makes the first move. Always!
The thing is my point will never be understood.
But I miss her. And love her very much. I guess life's too short
Way too short.
I just thought someone else could make the move for a change.
It'll be me.
She's just too important to me.
Maybe mañana.
It's marching on.
With or without us.
I'm rapidly running out of it. In more ways than one.
First of all, I only have a few days left to find a new place to live for me and my babies (dogs).
I can only afford a room and I can't afford first, last and security. (who can?)
I've also decided to let the car go and get a scooter. That's only a few more days from here. While a scooter gives you many options in Key West like basically parking wherever you want and cheap gas and no insurance. There are draw backs. Like grocery shopping and laundry and leaving the island.
But the idea is to save money while I continue to work. This radio station is such an infant and I know if I stick around its going to pay off big for me. The owners have been real good to me.
As far as health. Well, it hit me today that my stomach bug that made me so sick last week and continues to make me sick was not something I ate at all, it's either a new med I'm taking or I've built up a toxic level of something else I'm taking. I heaved twice today. Once at home, once at work.
Blood work tomorrow morning to see what the fuck is going on inside me.
Mood is pretty good while I'm at work and real lousy when I get home. The only good thing about coming "home" is my dogs. I love them so much.
Trying to decide if I should call a mad friend or wait for her to call me.
I always am the one who makes the first move. Always!
The thing is my point will never be understood.
But I miss her. And love her very much. I guess life's too short
Way too short.
I just thought someone else could make the move for a change.
It'll be me.
She's just too important to me.
Maybe mañana.
On a side note...
My previous blog that pertained to depression and bi-polar is just my struggle with something that millions and millions of people struggle with. Mental illness is real
And serious.
And serious.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Well that lasted long...
I said back in May I would write one blog a day.
Nope.
May 5th was the last one.
With the exception of my career I have never stuck to anything in my life. Not one thing. I'm not sure why, just haven't.
And even the career stuff has been shaky. Some Doctors and Shrinks will say that's part of the Bi-Polar. It sort of makes you make bad decisions.
The only thing I'm actually good at is radio. That's it. Well, and I can be pretty funny from time to time.
Anyway, here it is 3 months later. I'm in Key West and I'm working at a little radio station called Pirate Radio. Little in staff, big in reach.
It's been a good 3 months for the most part. At least at work. Good boss. Good facility. I love it.
Everything else? Well, let's just say its typical Mark.
First of all, the room I'm renting.
Figured I'd have a while before I'd have to worry about moving my meager belongings. But a couple weeks ago, the lady I live with said, "I think you should find another place to live"
Great!
So I've been looking. Not a lot of rooms or places in my budget in Key West. Anywhere else in the country, I could rent a house with my budget, here it's just a room.
Car. I'm getting rid of my car to save money. I bought the car to sort of repair my credit, but when I became a one income machine, the car payment became too much. I'm gonna get a scooter. A moped. Just like the old days. Cheap. No insurance needed and about 3 bucks to fill the tank. Make that about 5 bucks.
Single. Still single. Haven't even fooled around. I can't. I keep thinking my partner will find out, like we're still together. And part of me, if I'm being honest, keeps thinking maybe my ex and I will get back together. Probably silly.
Then there's the cloud.
Everyday is a struggle with depression. A struggle that most people could not even begin to understand. A sadness that grips your very being and tries to choke the life out of it.
Everyday I struggle to get up and struggle to trudge through the day. When I see a story of someone taking their life, like today director Tony Scott jumped off a bridge, I think "Good for him!" Wish I had the balls.
Now this isn't a cry for help. It's just how I feel. I'm seeing my shrink on Friday. BUT, it is a constant struggle. Being alone sucks
Being sad sucks
Failing sucks
FLAILING sucks
Which is how I feel most days. Like I'm just flailing in the breeze.
I want to be stronger
I want to be happier
The question is, Can I be just strong enough to get there?
((shrugs))
Maybe mañana, eh?
Nope.
May 5th was the last one.
With the exception of my career I have never stuck to anything in my life. Not one thing. I'm not sure why, just haven't.
And even the career stuff has been shaky. Some Doctors and Shrinks will say that's part of the Bi-Polar. It sort of makes you make bad decisions.
The only thing I'm actually good at is radio. That's it. Well, and I can be pretty funny from time to time.
Anyway, here it is 3 months later. I'm in Key West and I'm working at a little radio station called Pirate Radio. Little in staff, big in reach.
It's been a good 3 months for the most part. At least at work. Good boss. Good facility. I love it.
Everything else? Well, let's just say its typical Mark.
First of all, the room I'm renting.
Figured I'd have a while before I'd have to worry about moving my meager belongings. But a couple weeks ago, the lady I live with said, "I think you should find another place to live"
Great!
So I've been looking. Not a lot of rooms or places in my budget in Key West. Anywhere else in the country, I could rent a house with my budget, here it's just a room.
Car. I'm getting rid of my car to save money. I bought the car to sort of repair my credit, but when I became a one income machine, the car payment became too much. I'm gonna get a scooter. A moped. Just like the old days. Cheap. No insurance needed and about 3 bucks to fill the tank. Make that about 5 bucks.
Single. Still single. Haven't even fooled around. I can't. I keep thinking my partner will find out, like we're still together. And part of me, if I'm being honest, keeps thinking maybe my ex and I will get back together. Probably silly.
Then there's the cloud.
Everyday is a struggle with depression. A struggle that most people could not even begin to understand. A sadness that grips your very being and tries to choke the life out of it.
Everyday I struggle to get up and struggle to trudge through the day. When I see a story of someone taking their life, like today director Tony Scott jumped off a bridge, I think "Good for him!" Wish I had the balls.
Now this isn't a cry for help. It's just how I feel. I'm seeing my shrink on Friday. BUT, it is a constant struggle. Being alone sucks
Being sad sucks
Failing sucks
FLAILING sucks
Which is how I feel most days. Like I'm just flailing in the breeze.
I want to be stronger
I want to be happier
The question is, Can I be just strong enough to get there?
((shrugs))
Maybe mañana, eh?
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Funny
Well my first full day back in the fabulous Florida keys and key west. It was a pretty full day. I met my old friend Don first thing today and that was great. Was surprised by how much weight he'd lost...he looked great! He had a meeting to go to downtown so all he had time for was a cup of coffee, but it was nice to see him nonetheless. He's become a real tour de force in my life. A father figure. I love him. He gives me great advice and I know he has my back and he knows I have his. Good solid friendship. Funny how sometimes in life the oddest of pairs can become such good friends.
Then it was up the keys to my old haunt, Boondocks to meet up with more great friends, The Williams Clan. Haven't changed a bit! Chicken Little, Keith, Kendra and her man Kevin. We had a nice lunch. At some point, one of the owners came out and after a hug grabbed my ring finger and said "still in love"? I had to tell him that I was but my other half wasn't. It sort of started a tough afternoon. Here's another weird thing about life; the things people say. How in the world could he have known that that would have impacted me so much? He was just making conversation. Just being nice. But it sent me in a tailspin of emotions. You know that place was where we had our "reception". It was a tough afternoon. But later in the evening, got some good advice.
Then, it was on to the new radio station. Pirate Radio. Wanted to check out the studio and get a look at the setup. It was awesome! Really very cool. It's location is at a marina overlooking the water. Beautiful. Peaceful. Very excited. Going to actually pull a shift tomorrow from 4-7. Funny how after all these years I'm still able to make a living in radio.
Then it was home to see my babies and go for a little walk and take a snooze together. They're doing just fine by the way. Upset there isn't anymore grass to eat, but good anyway. They're both KW dogs and when we got to NY and they discovered real grass they also discovered a real taste for it! Sorry doggies.
Day wrapped up with a ride down Duval and a free concert as part of the KW songwriters festival. Great festival every year that brings the country's best singers and songwriters to KW. I stayed for an hour or so, saw a couple people I knew and then hightailed it home. Don't want to overdue the excitement factor all in one day....
oh the great advice.
While walking to the concert, CL called me an invited me to a family Sunday dinner and we got to talking about how hard lunch was emotionally for me, I got a little misty a couple of times, I know I know, a real blast to have around. And she said, all the money in the world can't fix what I'm feeling. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and get thru it. Thought that was pretty damn good.
Funny. Funny how great advice comes from the people you love the most.
Funny.
Then it was up the keys to my old haunt, Boondocks to meet up with more great friends, The Williams Clan. Haven't changed a bit! Chicken Little, Keith, Kendra and her man Kevin. We had a nice lunch. At some point, one of the owners came out and after a hug grabbed my ring finger and said "still in love"? I had to tell him that I was but my other half wasn't. It sort of started a tough afternoon. Here's another weird thing about life; the things people say. How in the world could he have known that that would have impacted me so much? He was just making conversation. Just being nice. But it sent me in a tailspin of emotions. You know that place was where we had our "reception". It was a tough afternoon. But later in the evening, got some good advice.
Then, it was on to the new radio station. Pirate Radio. Wanted to check out the studio and get a look at the setup. It was awesome! Really very cool. It's location is at a marina overlooking the water. Beautiful. Peaceful. Very excited. Going to actually pull a shift tomorrow from 4-7. Funny how after all these years I'm still able to make a living in radio.
Then it was home to see my babies and go for a little walk and take a snooze together. They're doing just fine by the way. Upset there isn't anymore grass to eat, but good anyway. They're both KW dogs and when we got to NY and they discovered real grass they also discovered a real taste for it! Sorry doggies.
Day wrapped up with a ride down Duval and a free concert as part of the KW songwriters festival. Great festival every year that brings the country's best singers and songwriters to KW. I stayed for an hour or so, saw a couple people I knew and then hightailed it home. Don't want to overdue the excitement factor all in one day....
oh the great advice.
While walking to the concert, CL called me an invited me to a family Sunday dinner and we got to talking about how hard lunch was emotionally for me, I got a little misty a couple of times, I know I know, a real blast to have around. And she said, all the money in the world can't fix what I'm feeling. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and get thru it. Thought that was pretty damn good.
Funny. Funny how great advice comes from the people you love the most.
Funny.
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