I said back in May I would write one blog a day.
Nope.
May 5th was the last one.
With the exception of my career I have never stuck to anything in my life. Not one thing. I'm not sure why, just haven't.
And even the career stuff has been shaky. Some Doctors and Shrinks will say that's part of the Bi-Polar. It sort of makes you make bad decisions.
The only thing I'm actually good at is radio. That's it. Well, and I can be pretty funny from time to time.
Anyway, here it is 3 months later. I'm in Key West and I'm working at a little radio station called Pirate Radio. Little in staff, big in reach.
It's been a good 3 months for the most part. At least at work. Good boss. Good facility. I love it.
Everything else? Well, let's just say its typical Mark.
First of all, the room I'm renting.
Figured I'd have a while before I'd have to worry about moving my meager belongings. But a couple weeks ago, the lady I live with said, "I think you should find another place to live"
Great!
So I've been looking. Not a lot of rooms or places in my budget in Key West. Anywhere else in the country, I could rent a house with my budget, here it's just a room.
Car. I'm getting rid of my car to save money. I bought the car to sort of repair my credit, but when I became a one income machine, the car payment became too much. I'm gonna get a scooter. A moped. Just like the old days. Cheap. No insurance needed and about 3 bucks to fill the tank. Make that about 5 bucks.
Single. Still single. Haven't even fooled around. I can't. I keep thinking my partner will find out, like we're still together. And part of me, if I'm being honest, keeps thinking maybe my ex and I will get back together. Probably silly.
Then there's the cloud.
Everyday is a struggle with depression. A struggle that most people could not even begin to understand. A sadness that grips your very being and tries to choke the life out of it.
Everyday I struggle to get up and struggle to trudge through the day. When I see a story of someone taking their life, like today director Tony Scott jumped off a bridge, I think "Good for him!" Wish I had the balls.
Now this isn't a cry for help. It's just how I feel. I'm seeing my shrink on Friday. BUT, it is a constant struggle. Being alone sucks
Being sad sucks
Failing sucks
FLAILING sucks
Which is how I feel most days. Like I'm just flailing in the breeze.
I want to be stronger
I want to be happier
The question is, Can I be just strong enough to get there?
((shrugs))
Maybe mañana, eh?
