Back home and sad???

It sounds almost too hard to comprehend right? Silly even. How can anyone be back in this beautiful place with awesome friends and unheard of generosity and be...sad?
That's me. That's my make up. That's my thing, my Mo-Jo. Even before I was cheated on and left for another I wasn't exactly what you would call a happy person. Outwardly yes, but inwardly, well that's another story. Inwardly, there's an explosion of anger and sadness and confusion and fogginess going on that would scare the hell out of most. And most tough guys too.
It's really quite something. The chemicals that all are mixed up in my head and body are like Satan telling me to do bad things. Telling me "who are you trying to fool"?! Maybe I'm just exhausted. It's only been about 31 hours of driving. 31 hours! Two days! Ugh. Never again.
NEVER!
11 o'clock. Time to put more chemicals in my body. Twice a day. At 11 o'clock. It helps. But does it work?
What do you think?

...and North Carolina it is.

It just dawned on me as I typed that, that I only know about 60 people who live in North Carolina. If I had just planned a little better (something I have never done in my life) I could have got a home cooked meal. Oh well. The budget, motel 6, orchard, days, roach motel it is. I'm in Wheldon NC as I type this. The room isn't half bad. A/C. (It's currently 77 and muggy and buggy...I think something already flew in my mouth...gonna be 97 degrees here tomorrow!) Glad I'm not sticking around, that's crazy! Also the room has wi-fi and cable which I'll watch some of here in a bit. The toughest decision for me tonight is going to be which bed to sleep in...I have a double. I almost took a smoking room just because it had a king bed. ONE. Nothing to think about! The journey to Key West is still a long long way off, about 1000 miles. Damn! got only 600 miles today. started way too damn late. won't make that mistake tomorrow. Pennsylvania screwed me. I think because I mocked it yesterday, it had to pay me back today. Construction is a given there. Always. Forever. The weird part is, the roads have always sucked there too. Plus bad traffic and lots of very dense FOG. Took longer than usual to get out of PA. Then it was onto Maryland and DC. I've never gone straight thru DC and it was fun. Drove over The National Harbor and off in the distance saw the Washington Monument. Pretty Cool. I love DC. One city I would love to visit and tour. Lots of history and things to see. The Smithsonian. The Mall. The Capitol. The White House. The Library of Congress. Too much to mention. A must for me. One of these days. I'd also like to take the Lincoln/Ford's Theater Tour. Then into a speedy Virginia where in most parts of the state the speed limit is 70! I still kept it right around 65 or 64. The gas mileage today was superb. Not much to see in Virginia and by then it was starting to get dark. Pretty soon North Carolina and rest. That's really about it. Still feeling lonely and sort of confused. Like I know I'm going home, where lots and lots of people love me and support me. Where I have an awesome job just waiting for me. But it still feels weird. Maybe it's the lonely. Maybe it's just the traveling by myself part...I don't know. I'm going to give it time. I want to say thanks to my Momma, my sweet friend Doreen and my pals John and Barbara who all kept me company on the phone today. It's so much easier to pull off those miles with someone to chat with. We'll see what tomorrow brings!

AYSM?

Do you know what that stands for? It should be on T shirts! AYSM? Not WWJD or Shit Happens or Have a Nice Day. AYSM? The question mark is important by the way. AYSM? It's an acronym for something I say no less than....40 to 50 times a day, easy. Are.You.Shittin.Me? It's perfect in it's simplicity. Not just a question but a grandiose statement punctuated with a question mark. Are you shittin me can also be used with a question AND an exclamation point. As a matter of fact, I highly recommend it. I highly recommend exclamation points on almost anything. It's sort of like when the waitress at olive garden asks you every single time some different food comes to the table if you'd like her to grate some cheese on it....uh, yes! because everything is better with cheese AND with exclamation points. Now, I have already while writing this very blog have used AYSM? 5 times...ALREADY! fantastic. If no one is around it's sort of a great question to the universe as in, why are you fucking with ME?! Try it. Jump on the AYSM?! band wagon, you'll love it. So, Tomorrow is driving day. I begin my arduous journey back home to Key West. It's a little under 1600 miles and there's a whole lot of suck involved. Pennsylvania sucks. Everyone knows that. It just seems to take forever. That's what all NY'ers say. Ny'ers have no idea what takes long until they see that WELCOME TO THE STATE OF FLORIDA sign and then about a day later arrive in KW. THAT'S taking a long time to get through a state. Whatever happened to those flying cars by 2000? Anyway, I'll start about 9 or 10, avoid rush hour. Drive as much as I can in one day, probably 800-1000 miles which should put me pretty damn close to FLA. Maybe S.C or GA. even. Spend the night at some budget motel and then after my free bagel and watery OJ, we'll be on our way Thursday morning for a VERY long final stretch into the florida keys and KW. That last day truly is arduous because it just never ends. It's beautiful of course, but so so long. Today however was a good day of sorts because my Momma was here and any day with Momma in it can't be all bad. Even a day spent partially still on the phone with AT&T trying to get a payment posted so you can get your cell phone in your own name instead of the family plan. (that was another 2 hours today...at least) Momma still is a pretty tough chic. She has never been afraid of work and she got right to it today. She helped a lot. No one like Mom. I'm a lucky boy. Then it was off to a little late lunch. and that was nice also. I must say when we said our final good byes, there where no tears between us, because I asked her not to, but once she was gone, I felt deep sadness. I felt truly alone. A deep deep feeling of loneliness overcame me for quite awhile...still kinda there. I don't know, hard to explain. I know I have many many friends and lots of love and support and people pulling for me, but when the day is done, and you're standing there all by yourself amongst strangers at the laundry-mat, it doesn't get a whole helluva lot more lonely. Ya know, people always say things like "you're never alone" and "you have a lot of friends", but I always feel alone. Rock stars (not that I am remotely comparing my self to a rock star) have the same problem. Play in front of 50,000 people every night. Have millions of adoring fans and are crippled with loneliness. Boy, did I feel it tonight. No one there but me and my lonely. After having spent the last 10 years with someone, the loneliness is going to be the hardest to adjust to maybe. It was always what I was most afraid of and still am. OK. Nuff of that. Tomorrow is another day! Moving on, bigger and brighter. Going home. Talk later.

Garage Day

OK. So day two is in the bag and it's been a pretty monumental day. Mixed, of course, with a whole big pile of crap. Can't have too much MONU without the MENTAL. The alarm clock went off at 7am sharp and I got up at 7:47, sharp. My day started as it always does. Walking two sleepy cold dogs who'd rather be under the covers. They won't have much longer to be cold. As soon as I brought them back in, I got on the phone with AT&T to try and get my cell service switched from the family plan to just my name. Well, you would have thought that I was asking for the actual AT&T representative to fly here from India and fluff my pillow. 2 hours later, still everything exactly the same. Lots of apologies but no results. Got home at 6pm tonight and still more of the same with slightly more India, if that's possible. In between, I had to take my car into the garage where I bought it (I have a warranty)and get a couple things fixed and a few things checked. Again, nothing. is. ever. easy. Say it with me: Nothing. Is. Ever. Easy. 7 hours later I'm home. No lie, I waited for 7 hours. People often tell me I don't have any patience or enough patience and then I see myself waiting at the car dealer for 7 hours or on the phone with AT&T for 2 hours. I think I AM patient. I think I may be the most patient man in the world! My buddy, Sam was gracious enough to rescue me for a couple hours of lunch and even picked up the tab. If I knew he was going to buy I would have ordered more than a turkey club, but what ya gonna do? We had a great talk about life and work and kids...he has one. It's changed him. For the better. Who knew it could have. But it did. He was quite the lady killer before his daughter came along. Which leads me back to the intensity of Len. Allow me to introduce you to Len. Len is the owner of the car dealer...and he is intense. So much so in fact he makes me nervous. so nervous in fact that I have to concentrate on breathing while I'm there or I think I may just have a stroke watching and listening to him. He is drama. Big time!I think that anyone who owns and operates a business is crazy. either own it OR operate it. NOT both. If you're there every day being the owner and being the operator, you will die a young man! I'm convinced. Yelling at employees. Talking on two phones at the same time. 4 customers at once. Crazy! ALL day! Stressed me out just being there. At one point I found myself standing outside in the rain just to get away from it and it felt good.Point is his daughter, his princess daughter, maybe 4 years old, showed up and it was the only time I saw him smile all day. A REAL smile. It made me smile. Still does. Then of course, the actual work on the car. Well, that can't go right can it??!! Of course not!! When is it ever easy? Who else do you know that waits 7 hours at the garage!!?? Exactly, Mr Patience. That's me. Two defective parts. all kinds of trouble. Just nuts. Car seems to be running good though. everything fixed. Then came the call that I was waiting for. Ya know, I hadn't actually gotten any job in Key West yet! I was hoping. I was praying! Well, not really praying. But I was hoping. The call came around 3pm today. Would I come work for the New Pirate radio in Key West?! Would I!!?? Hell Yea! I'll be doing an afternoon show and selling some ads. Cake. nothing to it. FUN! Tomorrow is packing day. Also got to fill a script and got to the post office and after all that's done, laundry. I can't put it off any longer. I hate it. Hate the whole concept of it. It's mind numbing. It sucks. Laundry. What a dumb word. Sucks even worse when you have to go to the laundry-mat. So you take a dumb sucky word and put mat with it. UGH. The people at a laundry mat. UGH! I can't take it. But, until I train my dogs to do my laundry or figure out another way, it's the laundry-mat for me. Then, Wednesday....OFF to KW! See ya tomorrow.

Day Número UNO

So here I am. Starting all over. I just deleted almost 300 old posts. 300 of em. I'm embarking on a new journey of sorts. A new "old" journey. Heading back home to a place I never wanted to leave. Key West. I'll be starting out Wednesday morning. I've taken many road trips over the last 10 years, this one though is gonna be much lighter. Lighter by one. No companion...Check that, no human companion. I got my faithful canine companions, LuLu and Rocco.
For those of you who don't know after almost 10 years with one person, that person has left me and I am heading back to Key West on a mission. A mission of community service, work, and healing. The healing part may be tricky. I don't really know what's broken, other than my heart. But lot's of people survive from broken hearts right? So, what needs healing? Well, there's something about Key West that heals the soul, the spirit and the mind. A short time away really messes that up. It's funny how you can slip back into the "mainland" way of thinking and shortsightedness. Road rage. Hatred. Anger. Even a little bit of racism sneaks back in, I'm ashamed to say....You can't help it, it's all around you. The regular garden variety and the very tricky reverse racism. I don't want any part of it. Any of it. The anger, hatred, none of it. I want to free my mind and let it all go. I'm not sure I can do it, but I sure was a helluva lot closer before than now.
What can I tell you about me? Well, I'm 41 years old and my life is a reality TV show. I know what you're thinking, everyone says that, but seriously mine really is. Who else do you know while walking their dog gets accosted by a drunk lady and struck 4 times because said dogs walked on her lawn? Not shit on her lawn mind you...just walked on it? Who else do you know can get hit by a car while riding his bike and then yelled at by the paramedic "WHAT ARE YOU DRUNK??!!"? Who else do you know can be told by a retail store employee to bring back an item without a receipt only to have the store manager call the cops on you because you don't have a receipt when you get to that same store? I mean seriously! And this hasn't just started. That last one? 1999! Yea, Fun! All true, by the way.
A reality TV show. I mean cameras should have been following me around since birth like The Truman Show, it would be the biggest hit on TV. A real laugh riot!
So anyway, single, 41, gay, bipolar, high blood pressure, diabetic, and funny?! Great what a combo! I'm sure if they accepted gay profiles (maybe they do) on match dot com, mine would be a real hit. The kind that people would print up and make copies of to show all their friends or show their kids and say, "this is the kinda guy you DON'T want to end up like, Billy. So pay attention in school". Whatever.
I am going to try to post once a day. Hopefully it'll be good. Interesting. Funny. Whatever. There's always my Facebook and Twitter which are like diarrhea for me head, but this I'm going to use a little differently. Just once a day. See how it goes. See ya tomorrow.